Script: Season 3, Episode 1 – The Rickshank Redemption

ACT 1

Rick: Anyway, that’s how I escaped from space prison! Ohhhh, scary place.
Morty: Wow, Rick! That’s — That’s one — one heck of a story. I sure do wish I could have been there to see it happen.
Rick: Oh, come on, who wants to watch a mad scientist use handmade Sci-Fi tools to take out highly trained alien guards when we can sit here and be a family at Shoney’s?
Beth: Dad, it’s great to have you back no matter where we are, but wouldn’t you like to go home?
Rick: Emotionally speaking, honey, Shoney’s is my home.
Jerry: Yeah, but you just got out of prison. I mean, how much of a step up from that is-
Rick: Jerry, get out of the booth, take all your clothes off, and fold yourself 12 times.
Jerry: You got it. [Grunts] Urgghhh (Falls down)
Rick: Six folds, huh? W-W-What, have you guys got me in a Series 9000? You cheap insect [bleep] didn’t think I was worth your best equipment?
Insect Agent: [Chuckling] Man, I told the money bugs. I said, “You know who this guy is, right? You want me to get intel out of the smartest mammal in the galaxy you better give me a decent brainalyzer.”
Rick: Well, you might as well order some pancakes, because I don’t see the need to leave this part of my brain.
Insect Agent: Oh, I think you do. Eventually, you’re either gonna relax your cerebellum-
Rick: Shoney’s
Insect Agent: -or the Series 9000 is going to turn it into mush.
[Cup farts]
Rick: Relaxed enough? [Laughs]
Insect Agent: I admire you, Rick.
[Cup farts again]
Rick: [Laughing]
Insect Agent: When I-
[More cup farting]
Rick: [Laughing]
Insect Agent: Rick, here’s-
[Cup farts]
Rick: [Laughs]
Insect Officer: What’s going on?
Insect Tech: It’s hard to tell. He may have manifested some sort of butt.
Insect Officer: He can do that?
Insect Tech: He is the smartest man in the universe.

[Shortened show intro/title page]

ACT 2

Jerry: [Sigh] I tell ya, the Galactic Federation taking over Earth; best thing that’s ever happened to this family. I just got my sixth promotion this week, and I still don’t know what I do.
Summer: Who cares how high they promote you? Everyone just gets paid in pills.
Jerry: Well, when you’re not sure what you do for a living, you can make your own rules.
Beth: Summer, show your father some respect. He’s pulling down a six-chewable figure income. [Bottle smashes]
Conroy: I’ll get that in a moment. How are everyone’s pills? Oh, Morty, you’ve hardly touched your pills.
Morty: I kind of had big pills for lunch, and I [muffled] wasn’t gonna eat any more pills. [ Gulps ] Thank you, Conroy.
Jerry: You spoil us, Conroy.
Summer: Grandpa Rick wouldn’t put up with this!
Beth: Stop saying his name! He abandoned us.
Jerry: Willem Dafoe! Th-That’s the guy I couldn’t think of this morning.
Beth: Don’t make my mistake, Summer. Don’t deify the people that leave you. You’ll end up a horse surgeon in a world controlled by aliens whose medicine keeps horses [sobs] healthy forever. [Sniffles] Horses live longer than tortoises now – is that what you want for yourself?
Summer: Maybe I just want you to care if I run away yelling!
Conroy: Who saved room for pill brûlée?
Jerry: Ooh! [Chuckles]

ACT 3

Insect Agent: I can see why you chose this family-friendly restaurant to represent your cerebellum. So safe, so comfortable, so Shoney’s. But admit it, Rick — you’re going crazy cooped up in here. Let’s go visit some memories.
Rick: Oh, any particular ones? You want to see my first boner, or should we go straight to the moment I discovered interdimensional travel?
Insect Agent: [Squirms]
Rick: Ooh, your little flappy doodles are twitching. Does that mean you’re aroused, or did you just get a signal that one of your buddies found a grape?
Insect Agent: It’s arousal. Yes, I’d like very much to visit the memory of you inventing your portal gun.
Rick: Yeah, well, tough titties.
Insect Agent: [Building rumbles] There’s no tougher titty than a psychotic break, Rick.
Rick: Well, that depends on who breaks first – me or the titty.
Insect Agent: Someone special you remember? Is that your memory of her out there – between where you were on 9/11 and your favorite sports blooper? If we stay here, you’ll die, along with all your memories. If you take me where I want to go, she’ll be there too, won’t she?
Rick: The day I invented the portal gun is the day I lost her.
Insect Agent: Oh, that sounds cool. I can get what I want and you can say goodbye.
Rick: Arrrr fine, but I’m driving.
9/11 Rick: … as an excuse to strip away our freedom.

ACT 4

Morty: Huh? What are you – What are you doing?
Summer: Grandpa Rick must have some secret lab, right? With, like, laser guns and jets packs and a space tank! And we can go break him out of prison! Look at these dead flies! Maybe if we arrange them in a certain order, it plays a hologram or it opens a secret door.
Morty: Summer, you’re freaking me out. I know things have changed a lot, and I know you miss Rick, but getting him back wouldn’t make things better. And, you know, we’re not doing so bad.
Summer: We’re miserable, Morty! There’s a mandatory curfew, their weird calendar made me 47, and they weaponized the Eiffel Tower!
Morty: Hey, I like being 35. I-I can rent a car now.
Summer: Because you suck. You’ve been keeping your lip zipped about it since Grandpa got arrested, but the fact is you’re fricking stoked to bail on him.
Morty: He bails on everybody! He bailed on Mom when she was a kid! He – He bailed on tiny planet! And in case I never made this clear to you, Summer, he bailed on you. He left you to rot in a world that he ruined because he doesn’t care! Because nobody’s special to him, Summer, not even himself. So, if you really want your grandpa back, grab a shovel. The one that won’t let you down is buried in your backyard!
Summer: You’re right!
Morty: What?! No, I’m not right. I-I was using ghoulish overkill! Ghoulish overkill, Summer!
[Summer digging] [Thunder crashes]
Morty: Oh, God! Oh, God! Woah, woo! [Thunder crashes]

ACT 5

Insect Agent: Where are we going?
Rick: To the day it all began and ended. The moment that changed everything.
McDonald’s Drivethru: Welcome to McDonald’s. Can I take your order?
Rick: Yeah, I’d like to get a 10 piece McNugget and a bunch of the Szechuan sauce. Like, as much as you’re allowed to give me. In 1998, they had this promotion for the Disney film “Mulan,” where they – where they – they created a new sauce for the McNuggets called Szechuan sauce, and it’s delicious! And then they got rid of it, and now it’s gone. This is the only place we’re gonna be able to try it, is in my memory.
Insect Agent: Rick, you’re doing this bit while your brain is melting.
Rick: Okay. All right, all right.
Insect Agent: Is that-
Rick: -Me. I used to wear blue pants.
Insect Agent: When did you make the leap to interdimensional travel?
Rick: I didn’t. I did.
Interdimensional Rick: Well, well, well. If it isn’t us. You know the worst part about inventing teleportation? Suddenly, you’re able to travel the whole galaxy, and the first thing you learn is, you’re the last guy to invent teleportation. Fortunately, you’re about to invent something much more powerful.
Insect Agent:[ Squeaks ]
Younger Rick: What?

ACT 6

[Thunder]
Morty: Summer, nobody has to know about that. We could put it right back and pretend we never saw it, like we did with Dad’s mannequin leg.
Summer: Fine, stay here. I’ll rescue Grandpa myself.
Morty: How are you gonna do that?
Summer: I don’t know yet. I’ll make it up as I go. That’s what Grandpa Rick does. That’s what heroes do.
Morty: Y-You want to see what a hero Rick is? I-I’ll bring you somewhere, Summer.
Conroy: Um my goodness, children. [ANGRY] Relinquish the illegal technology to the nearest Federation representative. [Normal] And then we’ll all play Balderdash.
Cronenberg Summer: Oh, my God. I have that exact same top.
Summer: What is this place? And what’s with “Hunger Games” Summer?
Morty: That’s my sister. This used to be my home.

ACT 7

Interdimensional Rick: Imagine doing anything you want, then hopping to a timeline where you never did it. Imagine going anywhere, anytime, with nobody able to stop you.
Younger Rick: Sounds lonely.
Interdimensional Rick: Lonely? Dude, you have yourself – your infinite selves. It’s a nonstop party where all the guests are the only person we like. You think it’s cool being the smartest man on Earth, but once we give you this technology you become the smartest thing in every conceivable universe – the Infinite Rick, a god.
Younger Rick: Eh, pass.
Interdimensional Rick: Excuse me? Bro, Ricks don’t pass on this. Who do you think you are?
Younger Rick: A different kind of Rick, I guess.
Interdimensional Rick: Well, we’ll see how long that lasts.
Dianne: I heard Sci-Fi noises. Did you make a breakthrough?
Younger Rick: Sort of. I just took a long look at myself, and I don’t think this science thing is gonna pay off.
Dianne: Well, why don’t I get Beth and we’ll go out for ice cream?
Younger Rick: That, Dianne, is the last great idea that will ever be had in this garage.

ACT 8

Summer: Good roasted Cronenberg, I assume. Mom, you’re looking feral. I can’t believe Rick did this.
Morty: These are the parts of Rick’s adventures you don’t get to see – the parts he leaves behind. All right, it’s been great, guys. I really only wanted to stop by here for a quick “I told ya so.” So, uh…
Cronenberg Jerry: Looking for this?
Morty: What are you doing with that?!
Cronenberg Jerry: It stinks of Rick.
Morty: No! Why?! Why would you do that?! W-W-What is the matter with you people?!
Cronenberg Jerry: You can never leave. She cannot remain.
Cronenberg Summer: She stinks of Rick.
[Citadel of Ricks agents appear]
Morty: Hold your fire! Hold your fire! I’m Morty C-137.
Citadel Rick: We detected a compromised portal gun. Where is your Rick?
Summer: He’s in prison.
Morty: Summer.
Summer: He got captured by the Federation and we were going to rescue him.
Citadel Rick: Very troubling. We can’t risk Citadel secrets falling into the Federation’s hands. We’ll dispatch SEAL Team Ricks immediately to break into the prison holding C-137.
Summer: Boo-yah.
Citadel Rick: And assassinate him.
Summer: Boo-nah?

 

(IN PROGRESS)

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